By: Karlen Lambert

This page was found wadded up in a corner of the Starbucks in Quaker Village. Expert graphologists suspect that the author of this page was an extremely stressed out senior English major from Guilford College. It has been transcribed for preservation as follows:

 

March 25th

 

Abandon every hope, ye who graduate this year…..because no one is f–king hiring.

 

Job interview, job interview.

Wherefore art thou job interview?

Deny thy basic qualifications and refuse thy unrealistic expectations of college students.

Or if you will not, send but a polite rejection letter

and I shall no longer be aggressively checking my email every three minutes.

What is “work experience?”

It is not the sleep deprivation,

nor stressed out Starbucks runs,

nor thesis presentation,

nor working one’s a– off for four years,

nor any other accomplishments belonging to a senior.

Oh, be some other qualification.

(I’m sorry I won’t have the required three years’ working experience for this entry level position right out of college but I still need to pay my student loans.)

What’s in a cover letter anyway?

That which we call an application by any other name would suck as much,

so my cover letter would,

were it not cover letter call’d,

Retain that dear detestation.

Doff thyself and thy high horse hiring managers everywhere

And leave me here, unemployed.

 

To apply, to interview

To interview, perchance to hire – ay, there’s the rub,

For in this interview of death what dreams may come

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